February 15, 2009

• INSTEAD OF GIVING MYSELF REASONS WHY I CAN'T, I GIVE MYSELF REASONS WHY I CAN!

  I think that's a good tagline for my blog today. I wasn't going to write this until I actually achieved goal, but I am 1.8 pounds away and I just blew my mind a couple of days ago, so I decided it was time. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Here is the story from the beginning:

  A little over two years ago my size 20 jeans started to get snug - and really, I needed a 22 but I could never find jeans that I liked on me anyway. I actually had to look into men's jeans. Somehow I had gained 40-some pounds since I moved to the US. Now - I was always the heavy kid, never small by any means. But I thought "well, I'm getting older and I'm likely to gain more weight as the body's metabolism slows down. If I gain at the same rate I'll be close to 300 pounds when I'm 50." That scared me! A LOT! Apart from borderline high blood pressure, type 2 diabetes was another concern for me (runs in the family). At one point my hair actually started falling out like crazy. Then it got greasy so fast and so much that it never looked clean - even right after I washed it. I wore my hair in a ponytail for months, because I didn't know what else to do. I started getting winded just walking up the two flights of stairs to my appartment. I couldn't really blame that on "being out of shape" anymore. I knew I had to do something, but the prospect of having to lose 70 to 80 pounds seemed daunting to me. I have never been able to stay on a diet long enough to lose that kind of weight. And I was afraid that if I didn't lose it fast I wouldn't stick with it.

  Then my friend Angie lost a lot of weight on Medifast. I looked into it, but I could not imagine following that strict plan. Nevertheless her weight loss pushed me into more research. Then my sis decided to check out Weight Watchers. I had always thought that all those companies are like little "secret societies" or something. I thought "they are a business and they're only after your money, trying to sell you their high-priced foods." I was reluctant and decided to see if it worked for her. She was successful immediately and was gung-ho about it - she had the best time and loved going to her meetings. So after a couple of weeks I decided to give it a try. I'm not the "rah-rah meeting" type of girl, so I decided to go it on my own and signed up online. I was willing to give it a month or two and see what happens. I couldn't imagine it working without me doing any kind of exercise and because I thought "I'm not really eating that much now - there is no way I can eat less in order to lose any weight"

  Well - my eyes were opened. On the program I had to eat sooooo much that I seriously doubted their sanity. Some days I couldn't even get all the points that were alloted to me and I had to drink some extra milk or eat a yogurth at night in order to get them all in. Yet - the first week I lost 3 pounds ... and the second and I kept losing usually at a pace of 2 pounds per week. Turns out I wasn't eating enough and I surely wasn't eating the right kinds of food. Every week, then every month I waited for that point when the shoe would drop and  I wouldn't lose anymore. And I did hit a couple of plateaus - but generally I kept going down. Hallelujah! As I said, my eyes were opened. I learned portion control and better eating choices. I learned to read and pay attention to nutrition labels. I had to restructure my life. But that's what it's all about. It is not a diet. It is a lifestyle change. That is one big realization to make and that thought had always scared me in the past. Why? Maybe because I thought it meant I could never ever have the foods I loved anymore. No more pasta, bread or chocolate..... But now I learned that this wasn't true at all. I could still have all that stuff - just not as much and in different ways. So ... that's what "lifestyle-change" meant.

  So here I am a little over two years later and (almost) 75 pounds lighter. Losing is at a much slower pace now and not as easy anymore. However, it is still going down and not back up. I am NEVER going back. I know, I know "never say never" but in this instant I can and I will. I don't EVER want to be where I was anymore. How did I let myself get to that point anyway? I gave away all my big clothes. As soon as they started falling off of me and looked really baggy I gave them away. No more holding on to something "in case" I gain some weight.

  So this is where the "mind-blowing" episode comes in. Sis took me to get a new pair of jeans that fits right instead of her hand-me-downs, which are starting to slide down as well. I bought a size 8! ...... I have never in my life been a size 8! I didn't know or think that I could be a size 8. I have wide hip bones, so I thought..... but apparently  I can! It just is mind-boggling to me. I mean - I see my before pictures and I can hardly believe that that is me. And I see myself now in the mirror or in pictures and I can see the difference. But my mindset is still not all caught up. In my mind I'm still the pudgy ugly duckling. And then every once in a while I look at a new picture or I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I go "WOW - is that me?" Like - sometimes I will walk by a picture window and catch a reflection of myself and not recognize myself, I will literally not realize that this is me. It is a very weird and schizophrenic feeling. Don't get me wrong. I am very, very proud of what I have accomplished and I am celebrating. But it is also weird and strange in a way and somehow the brain needs some time to catch up.

  For example, the 8 is still snug. There are still some areas on my body that I do not like. There are still a few more fat-pockets than I would like. And I guess that - in my eyes - won't allow myself to measure up to those beautiful Hollywood women with their perfect bodies. (no... no... I know.... ) But if I look at where I have been I am certifiably skinny! That doesn't even sound right - "me" and "skinny" in the same sentence. But I am! And only now do I realize how much I loathed myself, and how much I was in denial then. I still do not "love" my body, but I am definitely proud of what I have accomplished and I do want to show it off. Gone are the days of bulky sweaters and XXL T-shirts to drape over the pants to hide the belly and hips. I will actually buy clothes that are close to my body and that show contours. Who would have thunk it? So what if a little roll still shows above the belt-line? It's there - I'm human. Maybe it'll go away, maybe it won't. I know I have some more work to do. I have to start exercising and try to tone my body, get rid of some of the flab of extra skin and weak muscle tissue.

  But for the first time in my life I'm mostly ok with how I look in my body!

  Thank you so much to Angie and Sis for inspiring me to start, to Cynde for supporting me and not unintentionally sabotaging me but always being right there with me when I tried to figure out what I can eat - especially in the beginning when I was like a lunatic with my "complete food companion" and my points calculator, and again for Sis for the continuing support and encouragement. We did it SIS!

  If I can only inspire one other person to take that step and trust this program to work, then all my hard work has been worth it and it's the best thanks of all!

  BEFORE
  JANUARY 2007

  

  AFTER
  (or almost after)
  DECEMBER 2008

  

  • 1:39 am
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