January 28, 2018
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A New Journey
I wrote this (http://assipassi.xanga.com/2009/02/15/instead-of-giving-myself-reasons-why-i-cant-i-give-myself-reasons-why-i-can/) during my first Weight Watchers Journey right as I made goal. I thought I knew it all then. I thought I had it figured out. I was going to maintain my goal weight forever and ever. And I did, for a while. I was a WW receptionist, as it afforded me the luxury to “have a job” while we moved, and to get some discounts on the awesome snacks. I try not to be judgemental, but sometimes I judged “my regulars” who gained weight or the lifetimers who were 20 or more pounds over goal. I was never gonna go there again! I gave away all my “fat clothes” so I wouldn’t have an excuse.
It went well for a while even through the long roadtrip from GA to CO when we moved and through a trip to NYC with my friend, I held steadfast. I will always blame my brother-in-laws return from deployment as the starting point of my decline, as there were a lot of pizza nights, going out to restaurants and such. But really, that is just an excuse. I’m a big girl, I could have made better decisions. It is hard when you live in a family and you don’t buy the groceries and everybody else can eat whatever they want without a problem. But it can be done.
Anyways – the weight kept creeping up and soon I had no choice but to buy bigger clothes again. I told myself it was “just for now”. I will loose this again soon, but I have to have something to wear in between. Another lie. Soon you are in the mindset of “whatever, there is nothing I can do, I’m just meant to be a fat kid.” And you get more depressed, and you eat more, because it doesn’t matter anyway. I had no more room in my closet and was forced to pack up my “thin clothes” and get fat clothes again. But this time I did not give them away. I still have them.
I tried the new WW system and could not get into it. Without meetings (and I was too ashamed to go to meetings as a lifetime member so much over goal, remembering vividly my own judgements), I did not understand the new plan. So I dug out all my old stuff, books and calculators and tried to do it again on my own, but that also didn’t work, because all the support tools were geared for the new plan. I gave up again. I did a short stint on Shakeology, which had worked for my sister, but not for me (and I felt so deprived). I started realizing that once again, I tried to not be in photographs or made funny faces, to hide my weight. I also wanted to get back into horsebackriding and I was horrified having to tell somebody my weight so they can pick a horse for me – would they even have a horse that can carry my weight. I felt so bad for the horse that would have to have me on their back. I finally decided that I can’t let it go on.
One of my best friends had just started again and was raving about the new freestyle and the free foods. I re-signed with WW online. I was skeptical. I loved the strictness of the old plan I was on 10 years ago. Then all you could possibly do is use fitpoints (and I didn’t exercise, so I didn’t use them). And now you have all these free foods, weekly points and fit points? Granted, I have way less daily points to use (then I started out with 35, now I have 24), but I was going to give it a shot. It has worked for me before. As a matter of fact, it’s been the only program that has ever worked for me. So I was willing to trust it. And it is working again! I made it to 5% in three weeks – that’s insane! It’s crazy. I’m not complaining, but it is literally blowing me away. Just this past week I had a couple of days that I had to dip into the weeklies and I went out for dinner. I lost 4.1 lbs. Ten years ago my average weight loss was 2 lbs a week. I know that it may turn out to be the same again. But for now I’m ecstatic. It seems that the difference this past week to the week before (when I lost 2 lbs) was that I ate way more “free foods” – salad and salmon. So there you have it.
I know freestyle doesn’t work for some people. They crave the strictness or “more control” of whatever was before. And I know where they are coming from. See above! Whatever the program was that came before freestyle didn’t work for me. And I know I never gave it a fair shot and I may not have done it right, because I was trying to do it without support. But freestyle seems to work for me. Just because a food is free, doesn’t mean that I will overindulge in that food. But it makes for great snack options. It makes for great options when I have used too many points already. I don’t have to go hungry. I don’t have to deprive myself. And that is what is going to get me to sustain it this time.
I know I was eating crap, I know my portions were creeping up, I know I was eating too much chocolate. Now I have control over this again. I’m accountable. And if I want chocolate, I can have it. And however many points that costs me doesn’t mean I have to go hungry for dinner. I can eat a salad with salmon and still not go over.
I’m not sure why freestyle doesn’t work for everybody. I’m not a nutritionist. It seems to be working for me. I also love the control of tracking. I’m trying not to use my weekly points. I know you’re supposed to, but for me that is creeping into dangerous territory. I am not swapping my fit points. Not yet anyway (all I am doing right now is counting steps). I am swapping weeklies first. Maybe when I start exercising I’ll start using fitpoints. We’ll see how it goes.
I’m going on vacation to Brazil in a week. For 10 days I will be somewhat cut off from WW. I will try to track, but I don’t even know how to find all the foods I am going to try in my app. I know I will be eating a lot of fruit and veggies, but there is other stuff, too. I know there will be a lot of alcohol. But I also know my BFF is going to make me exercise. So hopefully I won’t gain too much back. Or maybe I won’t gain anything and just plateau. I would be ok with that. I don’t want to stress out over it. But for the first time in probably a couple of years I am hopeful that I can get back to goal and that I will be able to maintain it for the rest of my life.
Highest Weight 240lbs
Goal Weight 160 lbs (lifetime April 2009)
Starting weight (1/8/18) 230.3 lbs
Current Weight (1/28/18) 218.1 lbs
Height: 5’8”